It is a silly place. What... is your name?King Arthur : It is 'Arthur' , King of the Britons.Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?King Arthur : To seek the Holy Grail.Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?King Arthur : What do you mean ? Even if I was a staunch Monty Python fan, I had no desire to find a genuinely dead parrot on the patio. [Guard #2 hiccups]King of Swamp Castle: Get back.Guard #1: Get back.King of Swamp Castle: All right?Guard #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.King of Swamp Castle: And make sure he doesn't leave.Guard #1: What?King of Swamp Castle: Make sure he doesn't leave.Guard #1: The prince?King of Swamp Castle: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. A self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working classes...Peasant Woman : Oh , there you go , bringing class into it again.Dennis: Well , that's ✔ what it's all about! Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. Bring out your dead! A swallow carrying a coconut?King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!Guard: It's not a question of where he grips it! C: No no... don't tell me. Monty Python Scripts Dead Parrot The cast: MR. PRALINE John Cleese SHOP OWNER Michael Palin The sketch: A customer enters a pet shop. We're living in a dictatorship! So those gents couldn't bringeth a coconut backeth concluded, be it. Who goes there?King Arthur : It is I , Arthur , son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. NI ! Did you hear that, eh? C: Well, I wish to A: No Large sir: well, can thee hangeth 'round f'r a couple of minutes? [Crowd indistinctly shouts]Bedevere: Bring her forward!Girl: I'm not a witch.Bedevere: But you are dressed as one...Girl: They dressed me up ⬆ like this. The “Dead Parrot Sketch” is arguably the most popular Monty Python sketch of all time. [jarring chord ]. Guardeth: hath found those folk? But many times ⏰ we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot . Sacrosanctus domine Pecavi ignoviunt Iuesus christus domine Pax vobiscum venerunt Bring out your dead, bring out your dead Here's one, I'm Ridden on a horse?King Arthur : Yes!Guard: You're using coconuts!King Arthur : What?Guard: You've got two ✌ empty halves ➗ of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.King Arthur : So? Might not but beest a king. [A second guard approaches the parapet]Guard 2 : It could be carried by an African swallow!Guard 1 : Oh yeah . I thought we were an autonomous collective.Dennis: You're fooling yourself. C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. Dead collecteth'r: not at all. [Guard #2 hiccups]King of Swamp Castle : No ‍♀️❌, no . King arthur: [exasp'rated] shall thee asketh thy mast'r if 't be true that gent wanteth to joineth mine own court at camelot? [clang] Bring out your dead! C: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester. [they fight again. [Cut back ⬅ to Arthur]King Arthur : On second ⏱ thought , let's not go to Camelot. King arthur: well, i am king. Who approacheth the Bridge of Death ☠⚰ must answer ✅ me these questions ❓ three , ere the other side he see.Sir Robin : Ask me the questions ❓, bridgekeeper. !guard 1: but, of course, african swallows art non-migrat'ry. This subreddit was made to archive copypasta. All right ✔? "Dead" Man: I'm not.Dead Collector: He isn't.Large Man: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill."Dead" Man: I'm getting better.Large Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. [clang] Bring out your dead! 'Have you got any?' yond's what i'm on about! Seeth thee on thursday. Did you hear that? [makes taunting gestures at them]Sir Galahad: What a strange person.King Arthur : Now, look here, my good man--Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper ! King of the britons, defeat'r of the saxons, sov'reign of all england!guard: pulleth the oth'r one!king arthur: i am, and this is mine own trusty s'rvant patsy. Leaving the room.Guard #1 ❗: Leaving the room , yes.King of Swamp Castle : All right ✔? Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. All right? No problems.King of Swamp Castle: Right. King arthur: thee vote not f'r kings. come on ✊ then. C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it? That's ✔ what I'm on about! Shall thee joineth me? In Mercia?! Did you see him repressing me? Monks' Chant/He is Not Dead Yet Lyrics: Sacrosanctus Domine / Pecavi ignoviunt / Iuesus Christus Domine / Bring out your dead! Dead Collector : Bring out yer dead! Knights , I bid you welcome to your new home . didst thee heareth yond? Wear a mask, wash your hands, stay safe. O: Well,.. Of course, ultimately the blame for all this can be traced back to Monty Python themselves, who are not quite dead yet. [The collector paces ⏰⚠ for an idea , then whacks the body with his club ♣, solving the problem]Large Man : Ah , thank you very much.Dead Collector : Not at all . A bit. i 'rd'r thee to beest quiet!peasant mistress: "ord'r", eh? Whose castle is that?Peasant Woman : King of the who?King Arthur : The Britons.Peasant Woman : Who're the "Britons"?King Arthur : Well , we all are. I fart in your general direction ! !Black Knight: Come Here!King Arthur: What are you gonna do bleed on me?Black Knight: I'm Invincible!King Arthur: You're a looney.Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese. have at you! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! C: You haven't. Go and boil your bottoms , sons of a silly person ! Owner (Michael Palin): Good morning, Sir. Shop unique Monty Python face masks designed and sold by independent artists. You yellow bastards come back here and take what's coming to you ! [points at Guard #2] I thought you meant him. Shall thee wend and bid thy mast'r yond arthur from the court of camelot is h're?guard: hark. Aah, Bel Paese? The coconut's tropical!King Arthur : What do you mean?Guard: Well , this is a temperate zone.King Arthur : The swallow may fly ✈ south with the sun ☀ or the house martin ‍ or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter ❄, yet these are not strangers to our land?Guard: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?King Arthur : Not at all . Those gents've hath lost nine the present day. [dennis joins the peasant mistress in the nearby filth patch]king arthur: how doth thee doth, valorous mistress? Arthur cuts off the Knight's right ✔ arm]King Arthur : Victory is mine ⛏! Who lives in that castle?Peasant Woman: No one lives there.King Arthur: Then who is your lord?Peasant Woman: We don't have a lord.King Arthur: What?Dennis: I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. The twist on a classic tale, a mostly-family friendly plot, and so many hilarious one-liners, there’s nothing not to love. O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday. In 'rd'r to maintaineth air-spe'd velocity, a swallow needeth to did beat its wings f'rty-three times ev'ry second, right?king arthur: prithee!guard: am i right?king arthur: i'm not int'rested! And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles! Now then, some cheese please, my good man. You saw it, didn't you? Guardeth: wh're'd thee receiveth the coconuts?king arthur: we hath found those folk. Still, Monty Python and the Holy Grail may be the best of the lot. It's a simple question ❔ of weight ratios ! An African or a European swallow?Bridgekeeper: Huh? It's against regulations. Just me.Guard #1: Just you. Your arm's off!Black Knight: No, it isn't.King Arthur: Well, what's that then?Black Knight: I've had worse.King Arthur: You liar!Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! Guard: Halt! So be it. O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir. [hands ✋ the collector his money ] Here's your nine 9️⃣ pence. King Arthur : Old woman!Dennis: Man.King Arthur : Man , sorry . Did you see him repressing me? Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords ⚔ is no basis for a system of government . Peasant mistress: well, how'd thee becometh king, then? What knight liveth in yond castle ov'r th're?dennis: i'm 37. [the black knight doesn't respondeth as arthur looks at patsy and backeth at the knight] i seeketh the finest and the bravest knights in the landeth to joineth me in mine own court at camelot. And how'd you get that, eh ? How do you do? Who goes there?King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. [Crosses ✝ the bridge]Sir Robin : That's ✔ easy! Large sir': oh, beest not such a baby. Isn't there anything you could do? NI! By hanging on to outdat'd imp'rialist dogma which p'rpetuates the economic and social diff'rences in our society. Come Patsy.Black Knight: None shall pass.King Arthur: What?Black Knight: None shall pass!King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you good Sir Knight, But I must cross this bridge.Black Knight: Then you shall die.King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!Black Knight: I move for no man.King Arthur: So be it! Thank you very ✅ much . King arthur: aye. [pause]Sir Robin : I don't know that. King arthur: what?black knight (cut), New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. O: Nosir. Monty Python’s Spamalot (Songbook) Vocal selections from the uproarious Broadway production that won the Tony Award for Best Musical in 2005. king arthur: fusty mistress!dennis: sir. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chunks...Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. a swallow carrying a coconut?king arthur: t couldst gripeth t by the husk!guard: t's not a questioneth of wh're that gent grips t! Great gift for the Monty Python fan or elderly! I'm not old.King Arthur : Well I can't just call you "man".Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".King Arthur : I didn't know you were called ☁ Dennis.Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?King Arthur : I did say sorry about the "old ⏳✋ woman ❓", but from behind you looked...Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.King Arthur : Well , I am king.Dennis: Oh , king eh ? King arthur: beest quiet! Will you shut up? / We're knights ⚔ of the Round ⭕ Table , our shows are for-mi-dable. Right. [pause]Sir Robin: I don't know that. I admit that I’m sexist—dead birds, dead mice, dead anything…dealing with them is a man’s job, not … But she's got a wart.Bedevere: What makes you think ❓ she is a witch?Peasant: Oh , she turned me into a newt! I feel happy. (The owner does not respond.) Large sir: well, that gent shall beest lief, that gent's v'ry ill. "dead" sir: i'm getting bett'r. C: Figures. [The Black Knight remains silent as Arthur looks at Patsy and back at him] You make me sad. High quality Monty Python gifts and merchandise. Will you shut up? v'ry nice. I am Arthur, king of the Britons. ", from the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail. [An angelic choir begins...]King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Guard #2 hiccups]Guard #1: Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...Guard #1: Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...King of Swamp Castle: No, just keep him in here...Guard #1: Until you, or anyone else...King of Swamp Castle: No, not anyone else. An african swallow, haply -- but not a european swallow, yond's mine own pointeth. [Guard #2 hiccups]King of Swamp Castle: No, no. a self-p'rpetuating autocracy, in which the w'rking classes. What... is your name?Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?Galahad: I seek the Grail.Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?Sir Galahad: Blue—no! [The knights look onward as Sir Lancelot steps forward to the Bridge keeper from Scene 24]Bridgekeeper: Stop. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences ⁉ in our society . Okay. [Guard #2 hiccups]Guard #1: Right. Monty Python and the Holy Grail ~~~~~ KING ARTHUR Graham Chapman PATSY Terry Gilliam SOLDIER #1 Michael Palin SOLDIER #2 John Cleese CART-MASTER Eric Idle DEAD … I'm not afraid.Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria? [An angelic choir ® begins...]King Arthur : The Lady of the Lake , her arm clad in the purest ⚜ shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water , signifying by divine providence that I , Arthur , was to carry Excalibur. King arthur: what?dennis: i toldeth thee, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. !dennis: ah, anon we seeth the violence inh'rent in the system!arthur: [shakes dennis] break thee off!dennis: oh! King arthur: beest quiet!dennis:. Old Man: (feebly) I'm not dead Was expecting it this morning. So be it. [trumpets blare to a shot of a castle]King Arthur : [awed] Camelot!Sir Galahad: Camelot!Sir Lancelot ⚔ℹ: Camelot!Patsy: It's only a model.King Arthur : Shh ! They've lost nine today.Large Man: Well, when's your next round?Dead Collector: Thursday. [keeps kicking]King Arthur : What?Black Knight ⚔: Have at you ! but by a two thirds maj'rity in the case of m're. Dennis: well thee couldst sayeth "dennis". [hopping on just one ☝ leg]King Arthur : You'll What? Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege! As he leaves, both guards follow him] Where are you going?Guard #1: We're coming with you.King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. [Arthur and Patsy "ride " through the village]Large Man : Who's that then?Dead Collector : I dunno ‍♀️. They dubbed the gene "Indy," which is an acronym for the line of dialogue: "I'm not dead yet! Supreme executive pow'r d'rives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic c'remony. So beest t. Cometh patsy. C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. come on then. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! [he is thrown over the edge into the ravine by an unseen force ] AUUUUUUUUGGGH! Dennis: hark. C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? Until I come and get him.Guard #1 : Until you come and get him , we're not to enter the room.King of Swamp Castle : No , no , no . What... is your name?King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?King Arthur: What do you mean? Off you go.Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. He won't be long.Dead Collector : I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. "dead" sir: i bethink i'll wend f'r a walketh. [trumpets blare to a shot of a castle]King Arthur: [awed] Camelot!Sir Galahad: Camelot!Sir Lancelot: Camelot!Patsy: It's only a model.King Arthur: Shh! Very nice . [Galahad prepares to cross ✝, and the Bridgekeeper stops him]Bridgekeeper: Stop ✋. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]King Arthur: Victory is mine! All the material is copyright Python Productions Ltd and remains their property, and I will remove it if they should request so. King arthur: well, t doesn't matt'r. Performed by Michael Palin and John Cleese, the sketch was a … Apr 7, 2013 - Explore Linda Bennett's board "Monty Python", followed by 138 people on Pinterest. Monty Python and The Holy Grail Scene 2: Just Die Already [thud] [clang] CART MASTER: Bring out your dead! [The collector paces for an idea, then whacks the body with his club, solving the problem]Large Man: Ah, thank you very much.Dead Collector: Not at all. Dennis: oh, king eh? By exploiting the workers . We're all Britons , and I am your king.Peasant Woman : Didn't know we had a king . [the Black knight kicks him] Right!

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